Cross the Line?

It's much harder to write the reality of sin than mere symtoms of it so I will keep the details to myself, however I felt an obligation to my brothers and sisters who read this blog to bear a bit of my soul. Therefore, should you be looking for a lighter post you may choose to scroll down to the pictures from Wednesday's Giants game.

"It is time we Christians stop trying to excuse our un-Christlike dispositions and frankly admitour failure to live as we should. Wesley said that we will not injure the cause of Christ by admitting our sins, bu that we are sure to do so by denying them." - A.W. Tozer from the book "Of God and Men"

1 John 1:8-9

If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

The past couple of days have been a little difficult as far as emotions and realities go. The emotions of being pleased to go back home to my family (both church and relative) and guitars (yes, in that order) as well as leaving the family I have here behind are bittersweet. And although that's how I like my chocolate, I do prefer clearer circumstances.

The process of going through each option and every possibility that might arise from choosing that option can be very painful to the heart. However, many of the difficulties behind both emotions are related to the reality that I am a sinful creature and it's difficult to discern what my flesh wants and desires from the will and pleasure of God's Spirit within me. The past two days I have struggled with sins past and present that effect my emotions toward both groups of people I love and respect and prayerfully the Lord will be faithful to use those struggles for His glory however those struggles can be hard to explain to those around me.

My heart is desprately wicked and steeped in sin and in the past two days the reality of it has brought me to knees and to tears. I find myself thinking "If I didn't love Jesus, none of this would be an issue." and then realizing "If Jesus didn't love me, I would be stuck in this sin for eternity." I wrote a couple of days ago about wanting to loose my religion in light of gaining relationship to Jesus. But the truth is that sometimes I want to loose religion and relationship in light of gaining what would please the flesh.

I suppose the praise is that I know that the wages of sin is death and that the free gift of God is eternal life. The sad part is that I sometimes want my just rewards in place of God's free gift. This, beloved is both what troubles my heart and what shows me that I am a child of God. The natural man cares nothing for the will of God and proves false when confronted with the reality of his spirituality or lack thereof. I pray that this would not be the case with me. Days of wrestling with sin in the closet of prayer has brought me to a place of repentance.

Will I cross the line or will I walk away from the sin that lies just on the other side? The LORD is my God and to choose against Him is to leave His fellowship. God is good and He will not let my foot wander from His path. His goodness toward me is not necessary for His sake, but imparative for mine. Praise Him that He shows Himself as better than any temporary pleasure. Praise Him that He shows Himself as such to a worm such as I.

Alas and Did My Savior Bleed
Alas and did my savior bleed and did my Sovereign die?

Would He devote that sacred head for such a worm as I?

Was it for sins that I have done He suffered on the tree?

Amazing pity! Grace unknown! And love beyond degree!

Well might the sun in darkness hide and shut His glory in

When Christ, the great Redeemer died for man the creature's sin.

Thus might I hide my blushing face while His dear cross appears,

Dissolve my heart in thankfulness, and melt mine eyes to tears.

But drops of grief can ne'er repay the debt of love I owe:

Here, Lord, I give my self away 'tis all that I can do.

Isaac Watts

Greetings All,

I went to my first Major League Baseball game today. The home team lost but the company was great. I took a few pictures.

This ball park was built after the '89 earthquake in the style of what baseball used to represent, fun for the whole family.

This Coca-Cola bottle houses some twisted slides for little Giant fans to enjoy.

Our view from the bleachers (the cheap seats) wasn't the best but it was great for catching a couple of homerun balls (not us of course).

Garlic fries and a colossal kraut dog was just what was needed for a first trip to a ball game. (Notice the Nestle dessert.)

We tried to catch this world famous fry cook after the game, but he was in quite the hurry on account of the coastal winds blowing his balloon-made structure.

"Loosing My Religion"

When I was in High School there was a song that I thought had a groovy tune and was always intriged by the title: "Loosing My Religion." I heard an interview with the lead singer of the band a couple of years back where he explained that the phrase was common within the area he grew up to express a conformity to a new way of thinking and in the case of the song it was about falling in love with someone and wanting to devote every thought and moment to that person. As a late teenager I would find myself singing that song for no reason thinking to myself "I just found out who Jesus is, I don't want to ever loose Him." Now when I find myself humming the tune (as I do with many a song) I think to myself "How I wish I could loose my religion in order to have a more substantial relationship with Jesus."

In these past few weeks I have been going through the choices that will have to be made very soon regarding my employment and other details. In going through options and opportunities I have sought to ignore the fact that every thing is going to change, yet again, and as I pray that the Lord would be glorified in what ever direction I am to go I also know that any direction will require a little bit of loosing what I hold dear. Whether I am to push java at the local St. Arbucks or push a stroller for the next section of life, only the Lord knows, but I do know that He will be glorified regardless of my little bit of loosing.

"I'd Rather Have Jesus"

Today, I was blessed to again fellowship with the congregation of East-bay Baptist Church. One of the songs we sang was "I'd Rather Have Jesus." As we sang I prayed that the Lord would make those words true of my heart, mind, and life; for I know they are far from such even now. There are too many things that I'd like to have, many of them too private to list here and some too shameful to express even in writing. There are those which are completely honorable but most are toward selfish ambition or the fulfilment of sinful desires.

However "I am confident of this very thing that He who began a good work in [me] will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6) This is the very reason that I cannot get bogged down with what I lack in Christ, He is faithful to accomplish all that He has set out to do, including my purification. Even with all of this confidence the question remains "Would I rather have Jesus than anything?"

The hopeful believer can only pray: "Lord, make it so."

I'd Rather Have Jesus

I’d rather have Jesus than silver or gold;

I’d rather be His than have riches untold;

I’d rather have Jesus than houses or lands;

I’d rather be led by His nail-pierced hand

Than to be the king of a vast domain,

Or be held in sin’s dread sway;

I’d rather have Jesus than anything

This world affords today.

I’d rather have Jesus than men’s applause;

I’d rather be faithful to His dear cause;

I’d rather have Jesus than worldwide fame;

I’d rather be true to His holy name

Than to be the king of a vast domain,
Or be held in sin’s dread sway;
I’d rather have Jesus than anything
This world affords today.

He’s fairer than lilies of rarest bloom;

He’s sweeter than honey from out the comb;

He’s all that my hungering spirit needs;

I’d rather have Jesus and let Him lead

Than to be the king of a vast domain,

Or be held in sin’s dread sway;

I’d rather have Jesus than anything

This world affords today.

Rhea F. Miller, 1922

Dinner Bell

I am a sensual eater. What does that mean? Much of what I love and appreciate is in some way associated with food. The way it smells, the texture, the flavor it has and leaves behind in my mouth, all of these things are important to my opinion of a dish and therefore my overall experience. I tend to form memories based upon what's on the table. The draw back is that I'm always looking out for new memories. As a way to get around the immense amount of calories that can go unused by this behaviour I have sometimes substituted the longing for more of the flavor of a particular food by focusing on it's smell or making sure to drink water after the meal to cleanse the palate of that which yearns to be joined by more of its kind.

So when you ask me "how was your trip?" or "what did you do while you were out there?", and your expecting a rundown of things seen or done; don't be put out if all you get is a diverse menu.

___________________________________

Some people that I've talked to over the past couple of weeks have asked about the food I've had while here in the Bay Area. The first week we were sure to visit "In-N-Out Burger" as well as cold stone ice cream parlor and this week we went to California Pizza Kitchen. The first weekend we went to lunch at a great restaurant with a view of the raging Pacific and had dinner at Calzone's in North Beach (little Italy). Every place we've been from the little Chinese Restaurant (Ha's) here in Danville to the grand Cliff House of San Francisco has been a little bit of an experience to take home however the best food I've had has been in the homes I've been graciously greeted into. There's something great about having a meal with people who are kind beyond your deserving as well as fellow lovers of food.

Around the beginning of this summer the family I work with took a trip to Silver Dollar City and I as a veteran tripster was invited to help with the kids and show them around the city. On the way home as the children had gone to sleep their mom and I began to talk a little and as always the conversation ended up on food. She and I have a common love for both the preparing and eating of food (although my love is a little more apparent from the outside). The great thing about sharing meals prepared by or simply with someone who loves food is that you can enjoy what's on the table without caring what someone else might say about your fifth piece of pizza.


I do look forward to joining those I have fellowship with back home for meals once again but in the mean-time I have been blessed.

A Thousand Words Times Six

Here's a few pics I took in San Fransisco the first weekend.

Notre Dame look alike (very spiritual, not very Christian)

Yoda Friend My (much doesn't he say)

Self-Cleaning Public Potty (I couldn't bring myself to use it even though it was only $0.25)

Alcatraz Island (from pier 39)

One of the memorialized ships we visited had a display of antique cars. (very cool)

Sign for sell in the Ferry Building $40 (I think most parents could make their money back within a week just by enforcing it occaisonally)

It's A Small, Small World (in Christ)

Yesterday I was blessed to worship with a wonderful and welcoming fellowship of believers in Berkeley, CA. East-bay Baptist Church of Berkeley began as a college ministry/church plant a few years back associated with a Korean Baptist Church near Oakland. At the time the focus was toward ministering to the collegiate population of UC Berkeley. They have since become an individual church apart from the Korean Church who sent them out. EBCB has for years now sought to meet the ministry needs of many others who have come through their doors.

As I took the opportunity to look over the church’s website, I was encouraged greatly be the holding of high views concerning both God and His Word and by the blessings of technology I was able to hear a sermon by Pastor John Shim, toughing on the federal headship of Adam and Christ which my own beloved Pastor Ed Godfrey had taught our own congregation about only a few weeks before. This past Sunday Pastor John, in teaching through I Corinthians, spoke on the resurrection and glorification of believers as addressed in chapter 15. Our God is good, in that just a couple of weeks ago Pastor Ed covered the promised and therefore sure glorification of the saints on a Sunday evening.

There were more blessings received than I have spoken of here in this post and I am looking forward to joining the fellowship of EBCB again next week. However the most important blessing, which none other can surpass was the fellowship of the Spirit among those who have gathered in the name of Jesus with and eye toward His glory. When brothers and sisters come together to worship according to Truth and with the guidance of the Spirit it can only be described as sweet.

Hope CBC: Don’t worry I’m still coming home in October.

The most entertaining and surprising question I was asked on Sunday was “Do you know Ron Brotherton?”

Here’s what a friend at Hope CBC said about this question.
“Wow! So what are the chances? God is sooooooo good. Prayerfully you'll have an opportunity to talk to Ron about that. He is so amazingly well-known. I don't even know how many people he's brought to church or how many times [Pastor] Ed has been asked if he "knows Ron Brotherton." It's all God. Sometimes I think Ron must be an angel, just flitting in and out, bringing new people to church, and keeping like-minded churches connected all over the United States!”

Loving But One Master

I've been reading a little book by Tozer, "Of God and Men", while I walk in the mornings. It's been both challenging and encouraging. Here's a quote:

"A Christian is a man of Heaven temporarily living on earth. Though in spirit divided from the race of fallen men he must yet in the flesh live among them. In many things he is like them, but in others he differs so radically from them that they cannot but see and resent it.... But we must not get the impression that the Christian life is one continuous conflict, one unbroken irritating struggle against the world, the flesh and the devil. A thousand times no. The heart that learns to die with Christ soon knows the blessed experiance of rising with Him, and all the world's persecutions cannot still the high note of holy joy that springs up in the soul that has become the dwelling place of the Holy Spirit."

Cut Short

It was a blessing today to speak with some of the ladies from my home church. However, three of the four ladies I spoke with had to leave our conversations short of their full conclusions because of pressing matters. One of the ladies was in the hospital waiting for the staff to retrieve her for a test in regards to her heart and guess who she was talking to when they arrived. Yes, it was I. The second was a young mother with two children who awoke from their much needed naps and needed their mother's attention. The third was a mother of a newborn who was getting ready to take all four boys on a trip to the doctor's office to run a test on his very small and precious heart. (not that the first lady's heart is not precious, it's just much bigger in both senses of the phrase)

One could react to these happenings very sadly, however for me I think that they were a bit of a blessing. Although you (the only person still reading this post) may think that I am very verbous, the truth is that I am generally "a woman of few words." At times this gets in the way of forming friendships and even working relationships in a healthy manner, however once those relationships get underway I am very pleased to sit back and listen to the people who have grown accustomed to my quiet manner.

The actual reason I called these ladies was simply to hear their voices. I have been away from these people that I see two to three times a week for over a week and although I am very much enjoying my present company, I do miss them dearly. I can safely say that my ears have been satisfied with these seeming half conversations, for I have heard the young mother of two's southern drawl, the mother of a newborn's "to be honest" and the woman waiting to be tested's "how are ya?"

I'm not concerned that these conversations were cut short or that these women left them to meet other needs (much more pressing than my need to hear them simply speak), for I am satisfied to hear that tinge of love within their voices as they greeted a familiar voice from very far away. The Lord is again good to provide just what is needed at just the right time.

Vitamin D -vs- Skim

Philippians 4:4a “ Rejoice in the Lord always;”

As one who has been and is blessed in so many ways, through so many things and people, I have much to rejoice over. I have all that is need to sustain physical life, friends and family who love me and make sure that I’m cared for. I have instruments to play and books to read, music to listen to and songs to sing, but how much of these things are rejoiced over in the Lord. I must confess the I am lacking in praise toward God for these things. My lips are too often silent or bubbling over with the wrong things. The Ephesians verse comes to mind.

Ephesians 4:29
“Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.”

Not that the words which do escape my lips are morally unacceptable or vulgar in any way, but are they whole milk or skim? Do they fatten the soul of the hearer or leave them longing for more? And when I fail to speak at all, how shall I edify?

Proverbs 25:11
“Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances.”

Many times I have been the hearer of such words, therefore I know their importance. Why then do I restrain my lips? Some say shyness, fear, or pride. But if the words be true not a one of these should stand in the way. A servant of the living God should not be hindered by such trifles. In the hands of the Almighty what have we to fear and what of ourselves can be boasted in? Nothing.

Therefore, the question comes to “Am I A Solider of the Cross?” When He says “Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?” am I at the ready to say with boldness “Here am I. Send me!” or do I cower in the crevices of His hand saying “Please, Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither recently nor in time past... for I am slow of speech and slow of tongue.”

Well, perhaps I will leave it at that. The ramblings of one who is dis-satisfied with their personal holiness. One who know that she cannot truly say with all her heart "I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord..., and count them as rubbish so that I may gain Christ." There is still so much to let go of, that I may lay hold of the prize of the upward call of God.

Philippians 1:9-11

"And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in real knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve the things that are excellent, in order to be sincere and blameless until the day of Christ; Having been filled with the fruit of righteousness which comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God."

___________________________________________________________

On a lighter note:

The little boy I care for has taken to whispering while others around us are talking. This would be fine if it didn't tickel my insides and make me laugh histerically.

"Dream A Little Dream"

I had an extremnely odd dream a week ago. In this dream a I was driving through a familiar area of the town in which my mother lives, when I came to a river that wan not eaisly passed as it flowed over the road. The river however was not only strangly placed but even more peculiar because it was not one of water but of blood. In the dream I looked toward the source of the river and saw what looked like a modernized Jewish temple. As I watched this small but rushing river flow, I thought to myself, "What a shame. All this blood is going to waste. They can never cover all their sins with even this much blood. It only lasts a little while, until the next sin."

On a slightly different note.

It is my goal on a weekly basisto read through the chapter or passage which our Pastor intends to preach on the Saturday before, that I may have an opportunity to meditate on the passage with the Holy Spirit's guidance and be better prepared for worship the following morning. Last week hawever I was not afforded this opportunity.

The passage Pastor Ed finished up this past week was Hebrews 7:26-28

26 For it was fitting for us to have such a high priest, holy, innocent, undefiled, separated from sinners and exalted above the heavens; 27 who does not need daily, like those high priests, to offer up sacrifices, first for His own sins and then for the sins of the people, because this He did once for all when He offered up Himself. 28 For the Law appoints men as high priests who are weak, but the word of the oath, which came after the Law, appoints a Son, made perfect forever.

I am not one to believe that all dreams can be interpreted or that each of them has a specific meaning, however this one did arrive in a timely manner.

Not All the Blood Of Beasts

Not all the blood of beasts

On Jewish altars slain

Could give the guilty conscience peace

Or wash away the stain.

But Christ, the heav’nly Lamb,

Takes all our sins away;

A sacrifice of nobler name

And richer blood than they.

My faith would lay her hand

On that dear head of Thine,

While, like a penitent, I stand,

And there confess my sin.

My soul looks back to see

The burdens Thou didst bear

When hanging on the cursèd tree,

And hopes her guilt was there.

Believing, we rejoice

To see the curse remove;

We bless the Lamb with cheerful voice,

And sing His bleeding love.

Isaac Watts, Hymns and Spiritual Songs, 1709.

Hebrews 10:1-3

1For the Law, since it has only a shadow of the good things to come and not the very form of things, can never, by the same sacrifices which they offer continually year by year, make perfect those who draw near. 2 Otherwise, would they not have ceased to be offered, because the worshipers, having once been cleansed, would no longer have had consciousness of sins? 3 But in those sacrifices there is a reminder of sins year by year. 4 For it is impossible for the blood of bulls and goats to take away sins.

the Great Land and Jamba Juice

One of the more interesting things that I've seen here in California is the small shops, cafes, and resturants that are everywhere.

Today we stopped at the nearest Target to grab a few essentials for the home and while we knew that they would carry most of the groceries and household items that were needed, we wern't sure that another stop would not be necessary. So that you won't hold your breath too long I'll tell you now that our list was accomplished in yes, one stop. However, it was no Wal-Mart. The labels of off-brand products did't say "equate" and "great value" but a trained and frugle shopper can always spot them. And on of the more time consuming aspects was that the price per ounce (the little orange box on the price labels at "Wally World") weren't available, therefore we had to do a little math on the spot to figure out the best options. I must admit that although I don't like the fact that Wal-Mart has a bit of a monopoly when it comes to one-stop shopping in NW Arkansas, when it comes to having what the population requires for clean and healthy living, it is a great convience to get both your toilet paper and apple juice in the same stop.

On the flip-side of trying to meet everyone's needs in one fail swoop, we also went to "Jamba Juice" for mid-morning snack after our shopping venture. This has been one of my favorite stops in the past couple of days. "Jamba Juice" is a place where you can order perhaps any combination of smoothie ingredients imaginable. But the fact remains that they are still smoothies and you can't build a turkey sandwich on top of it. You can't pick up a loaf of bread while you wait for you B vitamians to be injected into your "mango-a-go-go". (very tasty, I might add)

Always looking for the spiritual application of the seemingly little things, I wanted to say here that God is good. He is faithful to meet our every need, the ones that we know about and even those that escape our attention. If only we would seek to be like the Holy One who called us in this regard instead of looking out for our own intrests.

I Corinthians 9:19-23

Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.

A Friend In Time of Need

Greetings to you,

I said in my last post that Iwould be telling more of my travelings and the Lord's provisions in it. Well, here it goes.

As we arrived at the airport it was both a pleasure and an awkward moment to see someone who for various reasons has not joined our fellowship for many months now. Mrs. Barbara Nelson was on her way to Tyler, TX for a protien treatment that is a bit of an experiment for a rarely diagnosed condition called Alpha I. The blessings were found in Barbara's many and frequent travels to the Dallas/Fort Worth airport.

As Mrs. Barbara arranged with one of the ticket takers for us to sit together on the plane, I was praising God for both her upfront ways and her comfort with the trip. On our 45min trip to Dallas, Barbara brought out her Krispy Kreme donughts and made sure to share them with not only me but the dentist in the seat on the other side of her. Upon our arrival Barbara's personal assistant provided by the airport helped her into her wheelchair and made sure that she arrived at her gate on time and in the process made sure that I found my own.

The Lord is continually meeting our needs in sometimes the most surprising ways. I thank God for His hand that weaves our lives together in the most perfect of ways.


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"Filthy Rags"

This morning I awoke around 4am west coast time and therefore was allowed much time in the Scriptures, while the house was still very quiet and very cool. As I read the third chapter of Philippians, I was thankful that, as far as the world in concerned, I have accomplished very little. A nanny or child-care provider is generally seen as something a young woman does until something else comes along or until Prince Charming arrives. (By the way child-care is not a good way to meet guys. The good ones are either married or still devoted to and ex who drains his affections, and rightly so. Perhaps there's a widower out there somewhere.)

Paul's list of filthy rags in verses 4-6 caused me to make my own and looking at it only caused me to weep at my own wast of effort and look to God and His interpostion with the saving blood of His perfect Son. "But God, being rich in mercy..." Ephesians 2:4

I think that I have posted these stanzas before, however, I hope that you will take a moment to look at the transition from the first line to the last.

Many Blessings,
N. L. White

What Have I But Damnation

What have I but damnation, for sick and weak am I
Just a wretch short of glory, with sin as my demise

A willing hand held o'er my eyes, in sin I blindly stood
Hands held o'er my fleshly ears, ignoring God's call to good

But then the hands removed, not by my will but the cross
To see salvation's radiance, to hear the call of God

A blessed child of glory, sure to reach Jordan's coast
What have I but Jesus, In Him alone I boast.
©N.L. White 2005

Back From Holiday (Island)

There is a small "resort" here in the ozarks called "Holiday Island". It is a small trek from the growing area of North West Arkansas, however, not too far for a much needed day trip.

"What did I need with a little get away when I board a plane for California in less than 48 hours?"

Well, this trip was not for me, rather for my beloved family. Although many of us can go weeks and even months without a call or even the slightest thought of what the others are doing, when one our us leaves for such a distant journey it is imparative that everyone else see their face and perhaps get a hug before they depart. Therefore, it was a much needed holiday.

However this post is not about the destination persay but rather the trip there. In the past I owned Bebo Norman's album "Ten Thousand Days" on cassette and over time it has been destroyed by use. Recently, however, I have purchased it on CD. During the hour long excersion to a campsite where part of my extended family were enjoying the brisk coolness of the morning air I was listening to Mr. Norman's first majorly released work. As the songs played in the order which I am accustomed to hearing them, numbers 1&2 came and left with my singing along merrily, however the masterfully penned words of number 3 presented a challenge to my heart.

The Hammer Holds

A shapeless piece of steel,

That's all I claim to be
This hammer pounds to give me form,

This flame, it melts my dreams
I glow with fire and fury,

As I'm twisted like a vine
My final shape, my final form

I'm sure I'm bound to find

So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the flames
And hurt a little, hurt for me my future is untold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds

And the water, it cools me gray,

And the hurt's subdued somehow
I have my shape, this sharpened point,

What is my purpose now?
And the question still remains,

What am I to be?
Perhaps some perfect piece of art

Displayed for all to see

So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the flames
And hurt a little, hurt for me my future is untold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds

The hammer pounds again,

But flames I do not feel
This force that drives me, helplessly,

Through flesh, and wood reveals
A burn that burns much deeper,

It's more than I can stand
The reason for my life was to take the life

Of a guiltless man

So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the pain
And hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is so bold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds

This task before me may seem unclear
But it, my Maker holds

Bebo Norman

copyright 1999

As I was listening to these words that I have heard countless times and know well enough to sing along without mistake, I was challenged as to my purpose. The Westminister Confession says that "the cheif end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever." It has also been said that "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him."

Although more often than not, I am dis-satisfied with what the Lord has given me. Even when I am mostly content, it frustrates me that my flesh tries to push it's way into the picture. As I was listening to this song I found myself saying, "I am not living in the glorious grace offered by God, because I'm the one trying to live my life. Therefore as I drove down a curvy road with tears of disgust in my eyes, I prayed that the Lord would have me truely live, to live in Him. Even though the tasks before me may be unclear they are in the hand of an almighty and most perfect God who does all things well.

__________________________

As I finish up this post, here on the west coast of the U. S. I pray even more that it would be so. The Lord has been gracious to me and I am overwhelmed at the works of His hands in this day alone and greatly anticipate seeing His work in the coming month. My departure this morning was smooth, apart form the tears shed and the provisions were awesome and therefore I am praising God for a safe arrival.

I intend to post a bit more about my flight in the coming days.

Love Him,

N. L. White

"Leavin' On A Jet Plane"

The thought of being hundreds of feet above land in a flying football field with very little possibility of exit, surrounded by countless people I have never seen before in my life is beginning to get to me. I mentioned having autistic tendencies in my last post, and believe me, it's true.

I was doing some shopping for a friend in Febuary of this past year and it required my passing the greeting card section on the evening before Valentine's Day. I went sweating and praying the whole way through and then couldn't shake the feeling of being surrounded by so many people and therefore was shaking on the inside as well as trying to get in a fetal position while walking through the rest of the store. It's a bit awkward when complete strangers are seeing you twitch, flop your wrists, and raise your tongue to the roof of your mouth to keep from balling up on the floor.

I am scheduled to depart on the morning of Labor Day and am looking foward to the arrival in California, however when someone asks are you excited; I can only think of the plane ride there. Sure, there are some details I need to get worked out before I leave and the emotions of being apart from family and friends, as well as trying to hold to the new guidelines of air travel, but those things are mild considerations in comparison to actually getting on the plane. I'm not afraid of crashing or terriorists, just the common person who may be sitting next to me.

The challenge for me then is to remain calm in Jesus. To look beyond that body next to me and trying to share an armrest with them, toward the soul that dwells within and it's need for Christ. An hour and a half to Dallas is quite a while to share the Good News.

If you think of it, please pray for this hypertensive person who can't stand to be trapped in the back corner of her very own church by people, who she is completely comfortable with, while they engage in excellent conversation.

"No need to be anxious we have heard His Son say..."

"Go West?"

Mixed Blessings

Greetings three readers (an exaggeration, I'm sure) :)

About a month and a half ago, my primary employer told me that there was a real possibility that the family would be relocating to California. She also said that in an effort to make the transition flow better for the children, in the event the move was to be made, they would like me to join them for a month or two. This was, I suppose, a warning that my little world was in for yet another change.

I felt a bit like Jimmy Durante. Do I stay or do I go?

My first reaction as one who has lived nearly 26 years in the same 50 mile radius was: “Yeah! I’m there.” Though not spoken aloud. This came as a great surprise to me considering the fact that I show autistic tendencies when big decisions arise or changes are made in my life. Perhaps I thought, “this is my every day life that is changing, I must hold on to it.”

The truth is however that God is continually changing the world we live in as a means to bring us closer to Him and to show Himself as even more glorious than we had seen before. Praise Him that He doesn’t check with me first or we’d all be stuck in the same place all the time. It is my hope and prayer that I will be drawn closer to Him daily, but too often I get in the way of that sanctifying process by trying to be content and therefore end up not being content because I’m not in the will of God.

Any way, I’m sure you’re all just waiting to hear if their move will happen or not: Yes. They will be departing near the end of August, leaving Arkansas behind for the sunny San Francisco Bay area. Upon this news (which I received on my birthday) my heart sank. I would now be asked to make a decision that would not only change my life but those I love and care for deeply.

You may say, “It’s only a month or two, what could happen in that amount of time?” Well, there are about six birthdays to miss as well as an excellent Bible conference in Colorado. Not to mention a communion or two with the brethren I’ve worshiped with for the last nine and a half years.

Well, after much concerted prayer and deliberation with God’s people I’m now making arrangements to board a plane for the first time in my life.

What was it that made my decision sure?

I ask you friend, pray for these precious souls in the midst of turbulent times. As for me; though my heart will long for the fellowship of my home church and the blessings of being so close to my family, I know that I want to follow my God in all that He has for me to walk in and through. I pray with confidence that the grace of God will follow me even 1,500 miles from the place I commonly lay my head and show that He is my home.

Thanks for reading and praying.

Love Him

Television Time = Family Time?

I just wanted to start by pointing out that I dearly love my brother and am grateful for our years together, even those that we've spent in front of the TV. (I haven't added up the hours but I'm sure it's too many to do so.)

I have a beloved friend (yes another) who can be no closer to be than a brother, for he is just that, my brother. At four years my elder he spent a few years trying to figure out just why he was instructed to put up with a little sister and share his cars, but in the past ten or so we've become very good friends. I respect him and his wife and have enjoyed the blessings of loving them as my brother and sister in Christ. I am blessed by their children and the time I am afforded with them all. (As a child care professional I most enjoy the time I get to just be an aunt slaying dragons in the park.)

My brother and I were TV kids. Many times the tele was our sitter as well as our entertainment. I have for the past few months owned a very large Television (not the screen, just the caseing) with no power chord. This makes watching the weather rather problematic. Perhaps if I had spent more time reading as a child instead of in front of the tele I could deal with a small apartment and no TV more aptly. But as it is, I am learning how to cope one sudoku at a time.

A small light does exist however. My brother...has a television (though it is a bit small) with a satillite connection...and the most convienent invention of this decade...

...TiVo.

In the fall and winter months we gather, just the three of us, and indulge in an hour or two of complete wastefulness of time. After the kids are put to bed we sacrifice a bit of sleep in order to follow the caotic lives of our favorite fictional characters and see the latest events that will change the lives of our chosen reality stars and decide who goes home this week.

I have come to know my sister-in-law much better during these past two seasons. I know now that she has a great capacity for great compassion. I have known that this is one of her gifts for years but there haven't been people in our church threatened by another civilization a mere two day hike away lately. She many times feels the stress and anxiety of a fictional character in her very body and is "plum tuckered out" by the end of our adventure on a semi-deserted island. My brother however has displayed a calmness that shows his ability to step back from a situation and form thoughts and opinions based on facts presented rather than being sucked into an alternate reality.

You may be asking "And what of yourself?". Well, I think that perhaps you'ld have to ask one of the other two parties for character revelations. But I do know that I enjoy the opportunity to take a break from trying to figure out how to get the concept of "freedom" across to preschoolers and formating informational flyers for youth to shove into their Bibles and forget to pass along to their parents. (without spending $7.50 at the local theater)

Sure, I could get online and find a power chord for my 1990 television that is currently serving only as a shelf in my little apartment, but I think I would still have to make that weekly drive. I enjoy the company too much.

Until next time kids...

(If you would like to offer any spiritual significance what so ever to this post, please feel free to make a comment.)

"Be Still And..."

"Cease striving and know that I am God;..." Psalm 46:10a (NASB)

Many of us have heard this verse in some form repeatedly in our Christian walk. And we know that a calm and Christly confidence is something we should be pressing toward, however none have achieved it in this life. I see from my personal experience that there are two general responses of those who make and effort to "Be still."

1) ...ZZZ...

This is that camp of people who in trying to be spiritual step back and wait for God's leading in such a way that leaves but one thing accomplished...nothing. They step so far back into the cleft that they cannot hear the still small voice. (I must admit that I have fallen into this catagory way too often and tend to forget why I pitched a tent in the wilderness to begin with. I have left camp, sleeping bag tucked under my arm and the fire still blazing in it's circle of rocks too many times.)

2) ...Oh, I forgot to...

This is the group that is gone before the answer comes. The people who sit down before the throne only to write their "to do" list. They find it hard to stay on one subject in conversation with God or anyone else. (Again, this is sometimes me. I rush to the mercy seat only to check it and all my rote pleas off the list, moving on to things that are all too unimportant to life and godliness.)

The correct response must be somewhere in the middle. It can only be found however in the stillness that comes from knowing that God is God.

What can we do in the meantime?

Read the remainder of the verse:

"Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10 (NASB)

Know that God is God and praise Him for that. Use what you know about Him according to His word as a platform to lift Him up, to exalt Him among all that you meet on this earth. Keep on keeping on in what you know to be His will.

Blessings in the race,

N.L. White

How Great, My God, Thou Art
John 1:3

Jesus the name above all names, with joy it fills my heart!
Creator, pleasing Sacrifice, How great, my God, Thou art!
How great, my God, Thou art!

He bled and died there on the tree, glory to God He brought
And yet He made the sky and sea, O let me forget not!
O let me forget not!

He bought and named me for His own, and fills me with such zeal.
He with His spirit led me then, and now He leads me still!
And now He leads me still!

My fallen self, it died the day He called me to His side.
I’ll run to Him and call on high and in His shadow hide.
In His shadow hide.

Jesus, Creator, and my King, of Thy goodness I sing!
Lord, let Thy Word reign in my heart and let me to Thee cling!
And let me to Thee cling!

O let me ne’er forget how great, my God, Thou art!
How great, my God, Thou art!
N. L. White 2002

Long Time, No See

Hey, it's been a while. I thought I might forget my password. Well, my intention is to post soon. I know that some of you have been breathlessly awaiting. You can breathe now. It won't be too long.

I see no hope for me…
(By Charles Spurgeon- June 24, 1855)

“"O sir," says one, "I have not a single evidence of my Christianity now. I was a child of God, I know; but something tells me that I am none of His now. There was a season when I flattered myself that I knew something about godliness and God; but now I doubt whether I have any part or lot in the matter. Satan suggests that I must dwell in endless flames. I see no hope for me. I am afraid I am a hypocrite. I think I have imposed on the church and upon myself also. I fear I am none of His. When I turn over God's Scriptures there is no promise; when I look within, corruption is black before me. Then while others are commending me, I am accusing myself of all manner of sin and corruption. I could not have thought that I was half so bad. I am afraid there cannot have been a work of grace in my heart, or else I should not have so many corrupt imaginations, filthy desires, hard thoughts of God; so much pride, so much selfishness and self-will. I am afraid I am none of his." Now, that is the very reason why you are one of His, that you are able to say that: for God's people pass through the night. They have their nights of sorrow. I love to hear a man talk like that. I would not have him do so always. He ought at times to enter into "the liberty where with Christ hath made him free." But I know that frequently bondage will get hold of the spirit, But you say, "Surely no one ever suffers like that." I confess I do myself constantly, and very often there are times when I could not prove my election in Jesus Christ, nor my adoption, though I rejoice that for the most part I can cry,—

"A debtor to mercy alone of covenant mercy I sing."”

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Praise God!! The natural man cares nothing of his place in the kingdom. Therefore we can take comfort even our doubts.

A Debtor to Mercy Alone

A debtor to mercy alone,

Of covenant mercy I sing;

Nor fear, with Thy righteousness on,

My person and offering to bring.

The terrors of law and of God

With me can have nothing to do;

My Savior's obedience and blood

Hide all my transgressions from view

The work which His goodness began,

The arm of His strength will complete;

His promise is yea and amen,

And never was forfeited yet.

Things future, nor things that are now,

Not all things below nor above

Can make Him His purpose forego,

Or sever my soul from His love.

My name from the palms of His hands

Eternity will not erase;

Impressed on His heart it remains

In marks of indelible grace.

Yes, I to the end shall endure,

As sure as the earnest is given

More happy, but not more secure,

The glorified spirits in heaven.

Text: Au­gus­tus M. Top­la­dy, published in the Gos­pel Mag­a­zine, 1771.